I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
