today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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