ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
