Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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