I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
