It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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