Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
