i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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