I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
