She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize