I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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