God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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