his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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