Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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