True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Randomize
