he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
