i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize