That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
