i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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