just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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