Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
