You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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