i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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