so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
