I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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