Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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