I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
