Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
