ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
