Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I love you. Go after that dick
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
