My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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