you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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