I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
