we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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