Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
