I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
