Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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