And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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