my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
