About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
