Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
