Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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