i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
