I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
