I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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