I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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