Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
