I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
