so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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