I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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