He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
