um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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