I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
