I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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