I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
