Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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