I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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