He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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